(NSFW) The five weirdest sex toys

Categories: Lists, Sex

AlienFleshlede.jpg
This is exactly as creepy as you think it is....
There is nothing wrong with consenting adults using sex toys to spice up some otherwise boring bed-sport, and the adult-toy industry has come up with a truly dazzling selection of every possible implement for every possible body part/orifice. But for every pair of pink, fuzzy handcuffs and every benign blow-up doll, there also lurks a toy that defies belief.

Here are five of the weirdest sex toys out there Warning: your sex-toy cherry will be popped at some point while reading this list.

See also:
- Pork slogans, lactating camels, sex toys, bratwurst, blood sausage and spoo
- Good Vibrations: Competion is stiff in the sex-toy business.
- Denver is a "Hotbed of Sex"

cuponude.jpg
Shrimp flavored?
5. It's not an instant Cup 'O Noodles...
But it is hot, presumably satisfying and comes with a flavor packet. The Cup Nude looks like a noodle cup on the outside -- especially if you squint a lot -- but after removing the top, you see not a stack of container-conforming fried pasta but instead a suspiciously pink mass of...something squishy that probably isn't toxic, but should definitely not be consumed. The accompanying packet is clearly labeled "Gently Acid Lotion," which sounds totally legit and perfect to get smeared all over your dingle-dangle. Truth be screamed here, it might actually be safer to dip your dong into an actual noodle cup, handle your bonky business, and come out smelling like beef, chicken or shrimp.

ecovibe.jpg
Sigh.......
4. Sola, the eco-friendly vibe
Folks who try to restrain their carbon footprints -- and mushroom/peach stamps -- apparently need love, too, and this loving-the-earth-and-yourself vibrator is shaped like a flower and carries with it a solar panel much bigger than the actual buzzer to capture the energy of sunlight, and fuel the minutes of fun it produces. Which makes you wonder, "What are the granolas supposed to jig their junk with on cloudy days?" For that matter, yuppie hipsters who really wanted to save energy (not to mention the $70 this costs) could just use their fucking fingers.

Goldlelo.jpg
It's a golden opportunity.
3. The gold standard of vibrators
This may be the most expensive vibrator in existence: 18 karat gold-plated and selling for $1,000. It's made in Sweden by Lelo, a company that produces some seriously high-end pleasure gadgets, but the sheer ostentatiousness of this one channels a Sacha Baron Cohen movie-prop feel. It's hard not to picture Middle Eastern oil sheiks and bored Beverly Hills housewives being the only buyers willing to diddle away a sack of cash for this Tiffany of sex toys -- and that's not exactly a stimulating mental picture.


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23 comments
Taylor Denn
Taylor Denn

Solar toy def being sold in Boulder lol

Deborah Watts
Deborah Watts

CAN YOU DEAL WITH REAL? - 51 Want to fall in love and get married? I want freedom of choice, would love to be a farmer, grower, lover, helper, happy home maker, medical marijuana patient and wife. Yes..that means marriage. I am looking for a mmj caregiver and lover. I am dreaming of a man that is involved in the marijuana industry, which is my passion. I WAS an abused spouse, in a bad marriage. Over it! I am looking for a new love, baby! I love children, have none. 4 Corgi dogs, cute and funny we are, 5'4", 135#, brown eyes and long blondish brown hair, both with a red tint, rarely drink, love to eat. Especially my cooking. Health conscience, excellent driving record. I have done my thing on my own, that is not what I want. I want a mate not a date, a man who needs a helper, as our Father planned. I love music, to train and rescue animals, working at the house, to make it a home. Can and do work strong and hard, by choice. Get dirty and clean up, to go to a five star, although I prefer sushi. Love real estate, won a top sales award for 1990 rookie of the year. Property rehab., interior/exterior design/remodel, landscaping, gardening, sales, art, being cheap and frugal tickle my brain. I want to be next to my new man, most of the time. Not because I am needy, but cus we like each other and want to be together. I do not need my space, I had it and it can be quite lonely. I am looking for love with a job and housing, in a medical marijuana freedom of choice state or country. Living and working in Phoenix currently and I am very open about my life. If you wanna know ask. I know when I am in love, when the sparks are there. It can happen at anytime. Fast, I am! Either in or out. No games from me, I say how I feel and mean what I say. I have nothing to hide. I prefer a blue eyed man. Money means little to me, it is just a bonus. Good morals and ethical behaviors attract me! Send me your number, if you want to talk.

Deborah Watts
Deborah Watts

Not everyone..I would rather have real meat!

Adam Aedro Drotar
Adam Aedro Drotar

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious what that alien pocket pussy feels like.

ournaughtysecrets
ournaughtysecrets

Fleshlight Alien is one of our most viewed products on OurNaughtySecrets.com

Emily Power
Emily Power

agreed w andrew newman. i appreciate your news updates in my feeds (most of the time) but this has crossed the line.

Aundra Thompson
Aundra Thompson

#2 doesn't make a good lover?! More like for guys who like to inflict pain probably through rape

Steve At Work
Steve At Work

Is that Hickenlooper's mouth? I didn't know Bloomberg was in town.

Andrew Newman
Andrew Newman

Then maybe you should change the picture that appears with the story...

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

Okay you two hooligans: if my oyster-eye is that shade of blue, I will seek immediate--and possibly long-term--medical treatment.

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