Top five ways to survive negative temperatures and the onslaught of snow in Colorado

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We discuss weather in this state (and on this blog) a lot. If you've ever made small talk with a stranger here, then you know that weather is a hot topic, especially now that Mother Nature -- or global warming, depending on what you call it -- has decided to finally bring on the freezing-ass cold temperatures. Based on the number of screen shots of Colorado weather on Instagram displaying the impending icy temperatures for this week (negative six on Thursday night, are you serious?), we are totally freaked out.

To prepare for this inevitable temperature transition we should have been expecting since October, here's a list of things to remember when dealing with the cold. Because this shit is probably going to stick around until at least May, so get used to it.

See also: Five things transplants should know about Colorado weather

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5. Don't drive like a jerk
Driving like a jerk is a statewide issue and, whether transplant or native, we all seem to have it in us to drive like no one else is on the road. You've either seen it or you're part of the problem: It's morning rush hour on I-25 and you're stuck staring directly into the sun as you inch along the icy highway, trying not to hit anyone. Then, out of nowhere, some Subaru Baja or Cadillac Escalade comes barreling up the shoulder, cutting everyone off and, of course, causing an accident. Now everyone's commute just got longer.

Don't be this guy. I am this guy, in a Subaru, riding your ass like I have the best brake system in the world, which I do not. (And I'm sort of sorry to the Jeep Wrangler that cut me off yesterday and forced me to tap its bumper on the highway.) If you want to get all all-terrain, rent an ATV. Don't let your ego put the rest of us in danger. For more tips on how to not drive like a jerk in Colorado when it snows, see the official Westword list.

4. Save your sick days for a real blizzard
With the first big snow of the year, it's tempting to call in to work because the roads are too unsafe to drive on. But believe me, there will be better snow days -- and no matter what, the roads will always suck. Wait until there's a citywide shutdown because of the snow, when you can enjoy the blizzard guilt-free. I don't know if it is like this in other states, but usually when there's a city closure due to inclement weather, bars are somehow still open -- so you get to walk by your parked car that has become its own snow embankment and go straight to your friendly local pub and drink the day away without an ounce of culpability, like a grownup!

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3. Dress appropriately
In Colorado, we definitely do not know how to dress for the weather. (I'm looking at you, guy in shorts year-round.) But as we inch closer toward these below-freezing temperatures, it is important to stay warm. Hand warmers are a thing that exist, and it is totally acceptable to use them on a daily basis. That jacket with the ridiculous faux-fur-lined hood you bought on clearance last year? Break it out. Please, wear your snow boots to a fancy restaurant and hey, even that ridiculous hat with the yarn mohawk. We just want you to stay warm and be able to enjoy the onslaught of icy-cold weather without hypothermia or frost bite.

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17 comments
LindaLee Law
LindaLee Law

Pot is legal so go get baked to keep warm .lol

Sandra DeRosia
Sandra DeRosia

Well my brand new window from JDI Windows wouldn't even close and they refused to come look at it, so I haven't been handling it very well. :(

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Now, back to immersing yourself in Libertarian fantasy novels from Ayn Rand, Hayek, et al. like the sheepish little DWEEB that you are.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

That's not what I was alluding to, DWEEB. Rather, I was describing what could be viewed as little more than an overgrown man-child's "rite of passage" in order to prove his masculinity (especially after downing a few dozen or so glasses of craft piss). While it's certainly not exclusive to Michigan transplants, the majority of these idiots seem to originate from that state.

Steven M Palmer
Steven M Palmer

We here in MI know that winter is a season and not some 3 or 4 day event that happens every couple weeks between days of 50 degree weather. I know as I lived out there for 13 years.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

5. "Don't drive like a jerk." In other words, don't be a typical 'reel 'Murkin.' 4. "Save your sick days for a real blizzard." Translation: Don't be a pussy from the Sun Belt. 3. "Don't dress like it's summer." Translation: Don't be a douchebag Michiganer living out some pathetic Mountain Man fantasy. 3. "Take advantage of alternative forms of transportation." Translation: Don't be afraid of poor people who rely on public transit year-round. 1. "Lend a hand to your neighbor." Translation is same as that of #5.

billyfarres
billyfarres

Waiting for the mother blizzard of 97' to do my day drinking

redsoxfan
redsoxfan

I moved back to Denver from Tucson in August and I love this weather. I took a nice 4.5 mile walk and got some errands done. I should have my bike back up and ready to pedal in a few days. I LOVE COLORADO!!!!

Jack Quinn
Jack Quinn

I was feeling the chill even with a scarf, sweatshirt and winter coat but in the parking lot by the bank I see the guy who had to wear shorts out today! I got even colder.

Kevin Kirkland
Kevin Kirkland

you can also smear jelly on your balls and have a dog lick it off

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