How to survive Super Bowl XLVIII if you hate the Broncos or don't care about football

Broncos1PP.jpg
Phillip Posten
I am at a loss for words.
I've kept my mouth shut on the topic of professional sports for most of my time as a writer. I don't even talk about how much I despise the majority of the culture that comes with it on Facebook (I save those complaints for Twitter). But I know I can't be the only one who suffers in silence this time of year. Denver is especially bad this January; I have seen the most unsuspecting of my friends become Broncos-outfitted zombies. My neighborhood -- which is basically a parking lot for Mile High Stadium at Sports Authority Field anyway -- becomes an idiot zone, as people drive up and down the street honking and screaming like lunatics. And don't even get me started on that bogus "nonprofit," the NFL. I work part-time for a nonprofit. The NFL being considered a nonprofit offends me.

Though I cannot escape the tide of putrid orange and blue that has temporarily washed away the IQs of my fellow citizens, I've come up with a list of ways to survive Super Bowl XLVIII -- even though you won't be able to fully escape its taint unless you leave the planet until February 3.

See also: Five things transplants should know about Colorado weather

orangesunrise-thumb-550x410.jpg
Westword.com
Yes, this sunrise is beautiful. But contrary to bumper-sticker opinions, it doesn't mean god is a Broncos fan.
Tip #1: Stay off of social media
If you're like me and can't give up your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram addictions for a whole two weeks, at least promise yourself you'll log off on February 2. If your newsfeed looked anything like mine during the AFC Championships, just know it's going to be ten times that bad. From play-by-plays by your friends who have scarily transformed into amateur couch announcers to pictures of disgusting Broncos-themed seven-layer dip, nothing will be off limits.

Save your sanity and stay away from the bowels of the Internet for one day. Because believe me, after the 300th consecutive update about some player "doing it wrong," you're going to be tempted to start a fight with a person who, outside of this temporary bout of foaming-at-the-mouth Broncos-rabies, is actually your friend. And no amount of social media bickering over a game that neither of you have anything to do with physically is worth losing a friend.

Tip #2: Stay away from public places with televisions
At home, you have the power to turn it off. But just know that anywhere you try to go on Super Bowl Sunday will probably have a television, and it will be tuned to the game. This means avoiding bars and restaurants, obviously, but also car wash/auto mechanic waiting rooms, laundramats, gas stations, grocery stores, thrift stores and all of the other weird places that America has decided need TVs.

Tip #3: Find something else to do
Seriously, this is not going to be a leisurely Sunday afternoon, no matter how hard you try. You're going to have to keep yourself occupied if you're going to be successful at the two tips above. Not because you have to be near a television at all times or can't stay away from Facebook -- but yeah, that's kind of what will happen. I know because I am a person who tweets from the toilet and will watch anything on a television if it is on.

So make a plan, dude. See a movie, go for an epic bike ride, take a Zumba class. (And don't just go to the gym -- sports freaks hang out there, too, obviously. And when the masochists on the treadmill aren't watching the Food Network, they're watching sports on the shared televisions.) Maybe catch that exhibit at the Denver Art Museum you've been meaning to see some weekend when you aren't binge-watching/catching up on Season Two of Girls.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
100 comments
Samson Kinney
Samson Kinney

I'll meet up anyone on this bitch and knock em cold. No one ever wants to try, though.

Che Harness
Che Harness

Why are you stereotyping football fans as hooligans who condemn "nerds" for their interests? Or implying that all Bronco fans center their entire life around football? You probably shouldn't use the word hypocritical until you understand its meaning.

Samson Kinney
Samson Kinney

Just because some of you idiots can't take your brutish, cavemen heads and eyes off the goddamn TV and stop shouting like hooligans every time a Bronco makes a single move on the field, doesn't mean that everyone has to enjoy football or give a FUCK about the Super Bowl. You dumb shits think that nerds are lame for being into their interests so much... What the hell do you call what you do? You're just as bad as the nerds you all condemn, you are 100% like World of Warcraft or Magic the Gathering players. So take your hypocritical asses off Westword and go back to jerking off to Superbowl promotions and replays of past Bronco games. Stop fucking thinking anyone who doesn't like your shitty sport "can leave and never return to Denver" because that's a fucking retarded statement.

Che Harness
Che Harness

Survival guide? Because football is so dangerous to non-fans?

Mike Jones
Mike Jones

i agree that shit is only good for weed and hookers lol or when

Ric Gonzalez
Ric Gonzalez

i hope you catch herpes from a toilet seat your blog and crappy paper suck.

Sterling Meeks Isatool
Sterling Meeks Isatool

I would like to take this opportunity to invite everyone on facebook to my Knights of The Round Party Friday Night. I have created a cardboard replica of the king's castle from Game of Thrones complete with a drawbridge and moat. You can message me here or follow me on twitter at #mommyswarrior . I would also like to add that if there are any women that find me mysterious and interesting , I would very much like to play xbox with you as I have never been with a women other than my Princess Leia doll. Peace Out

Jimmy Nigg
Jimmy Nigg

Sterling Meeks I know it's tough to be a grown man with no job ,still living with your mom and your 3 cats named after your favorite Magic The Gathering characters, but there is no need to get hurtful here. I realize that when you have more star wars stickers than phone numbers in your phone it might be a little frustrating. I think your profile picture says it all " I am embarrassed of who I am so I won't let anyone see the real me" . Truth is Sterling no one gives a shit about the real you , the only thing interesting about you is that you troll westword blogs and make comments to get a rise out of people. Maybe tonight when your mom cooks you dinner you should have a big long talk with her about why daddy left you behind and why your only thrill in life is dressing up your cats on saturday night and having them walk down the runaway performing fashion shows.....That is if you get a break from watching star trek marathons and purchasing hunger games costumes from Amazon.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

#InternetToughGuy C'mon, I've received much more clever hate mail than your drivel, Jimbo.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Seth, physical demands/prowess do not equate to skill. Besides, only a select few puck handlers are even capable of scoring on set plays (the few that exist). The rest are out there for "defensive" (read: ram the other guy into the walls or face first into the ice) or scramble for loose pucks. How is this different from football? Well, even the "grunts in the trenches" (lineman) have to be able to know their roles and execute plays effectively, as well as recognizing the opposing team's sets and audibles. In hockey, much of the success really boils down to just plain luck. Figure skaters have more skill than your typical professional hockey player. Shut up; you're dumb.

Jimmy Nigg
Jimmy Nigg

Stop posting shit you little bitch . If you were man enough to run your mouth in real life like you do on the internet you would have a fist in your face. For the record that feels a little different than the marvel vs Capcom video game you are playing in your moms basement you fucking deadbeat nerd loser. Your fake name and profile picture only proves that you aren't happy with who you are in real life. , so keep trolling the internet until you do the world a favor and blow your brains out.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

You, sir, are a fat, balding, ignorant, and miserable piece of shit. That is all.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Uh huh, and I can only imagine what you do to that poor little pooch (even though I don't want to).

Dan Brown
Dan Brown

Great blog post. I'd like to suggest one other way of dealing with all this: Be happy for your football-liking friends. I've watched movies I didn't like because a friend liked it... I'll be doing the same for the Superbowl. Besides, the commercials are pretty good that day.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Of course you don't give a rat's ass. You're too busy hoarding and licking them all.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

I see you're making assumptions without having clearly read the article in question, considering that it's solely about the purported "lunacy" of sports fandom, not Internet flame wars in general. Given that I personally do NOT participate in any aspect of sports "hooliganism" or any other form of outlandish sports fandom (but not taking any personal offense to it, nonetheless, as opposed to others in here as well as the author), it is painfully obvious that you are, indeed, just another in a long line of... Stupid. Ignorant. Cunts.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Yes, and in your case, it's painfully clear that you are a bandwagoner of a different variety. Instead of hopping on to SUPPORT a particular franchise, you hop on a different wagon for the sole purpose of HATING one, regardless of your own personal affiliations/affinities (assuming you have any to begin with).

Jimmy Nigg
Jimmy Nigg

Sterling can't talk Kristin and Jake . He's too busy competing in the athletic world of Warcraft

Kristin Marshall
Kristin Marshall

You're funny, Sterling Meeks. You called me an idiot but you can't even type correctly.

Jake Culbertson
Jake Culbertson

How is that a bandwogoner? Do you have any clue what a bandwagoner is?

Sean Dolan
Sean Dolan

Not giving a rat's ass has done well by me so far.....

Kedhrin Gonzalez
Kedhrin Gonzalez

I see you're trolling people on an internet thread and calling people idiots... I think you represent what this article states flawlessly.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Ironic coming from a fan of a sport in which is even more brutal and requires less technical skill than football.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

In the case of Bree Davies, it's more like dried-up trust fund hipster issues.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

One need not be a sports fan to be an idiot. Case in point: the originator of the above post.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Yeah...she sured showed them with her keyboard and monitor, huh?

Kristin Marshall
Kristin Marshall

Finally!!! Someone else who is sensible. I can't wait for this dumb crap to be over, and it's not for hating sports. It's more like hating the idiotic behavior of the fans. It makes me embarrassed of the human race.

Heaven Northrop
Heaven Northrop

They are not real Deverities I hate football but I sure do love our Broncos!!

Heaven Northrop
Heaven Northrop

Um survival guide for the super bowl it is on ONE channel just don't watch and don't go to a sports bar!!

smcoan119
smcoan119

Even if you don't like football, or the Broncos, be proud of your city and your state. Ultimately it brings attention and business to everyone, even peripherally. So in the end, it benefits all. And watch the game anyway, you may just have a good time.

Laura Bruns
Laura Bruns

In answer to the article title's question: apparently you can complain about it.

Christy Young
Christy Young

I never watched football til I met my boyfriend. Now they're going to the super bowl. I accept cash as thank you gifts.

Now Trending

Denver Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...