And the loser is: The seven worst movies of 2013

Categories: Film and TV

smurfs2setvisit3.jpg
Hank Azaria plays the evil wizard Gargamel in Smurfs 2.
Hollywood peddles movies like a chef flings noodles at the wall. Does it stick? If so, perfecto. If it splats on the floor, well, movie moguls have enough dough to try again. The one thing audiences can be certain of is that each year, Hollywood is guaranteed to serve up a few dozen bowls of badly cooked noodles, films guaranteed to cause indigestion. So before Sunday's Academy Awards ceremony honors the best movies of the year, Westword is joining the chorus of grumbling as we bemoan the seven worst movies of 2013.

See also: Three bad movies that deserve to win a Golden Raspberry

7) Smurfs 2

The original Smurfs were charming; they were trippy; they lived on mushrooms and spent their days singing "La-la, la-la-la-la," while the diabolical wizard Gargamel and his wicked cat Azreal conspired to boil them. All was smurf-tastic, until Sony Pictures made Smurfs 2 and smurfed it up with 3D animation and live actors who drain all joy from the franchise. They hired Neil Patrick Harris (you know, Doogie Howser, MD) to play a smurf-sympathizing, do-gooder dad, so saccharine any sane person would ditch the family, hop in a time machine, go back to the '80s and drink toxic gimlets at old Gargamel's pad. Ah, remember the days? Back then people were people, cartoons were cartoons, Doogie Howser was Doogie Howser, and Gargamel wasn't a live-action, antisemitic stereotype.

6) The Last Stand

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit governing California, he should have whizzed away like a pin-pricked, inflatable sex doll destined to float limply in the Pacific Ocean. Unfortunately, he returned to Hollywood to make movies. In The Last Stand , he plays a traumatized, jingoistic cop who overcomes stiff muscles to bust a Mexican drug lord -- who is, incidentally, much sexier than the recently detained El Chapo. The next time Arnie threatens to lumber around on the big screen, let's flex our muscles and shout out, "Oh, what? You think you'll be back? See ya later, Terminator."

Continue reading to see the rest of the worst movies of 2013.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help

Now Trending

Denver Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...