Zombies are so yesterday: Six candidates for America's next top monster

Categories: Geek Speak

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Shaun of the Dead
Sooner or later, we will get tired of this.
When it comes to America's favorite monster, zombies have been on top for a while now. That's been great for dedicated zombiephiles like me, but even the most hardcore fans of the undead know it can't last forever. Sooner or later, some other creature will emerge to take the place of zombies as the next big, scary thing. With this in mind, it seems like a good time to look at the on-deck circle and see which creepy-crawly murdery thing will emerge to terrify us as America's next top monster.

See also: Zombies: Will our undead obsession ever die?

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Dracula: Prince of Darkness
6) Vampires
The case for: Vampires are a classic monster. Not only that, they were running neck and neck with zombies there for a while, with some even proclaiming them the victor (prematurely). They're sexy, they're genuinely scary when done right and they have a rich, deep history to draw from.
The case against: They're fucking tired. Like I said, it wasn't that long ago that the bloodsucking fiends were everywhere you looked, and people clearly got tired of them. It may have had something to do with the fact they were reduced to sparkly, abusive emo boyfriends in their most popular recent incarnation. It's going to take a little while to wash the taste of that out of our collective mouth before anyone can take them seriously again.
Verdict: Sorry, suckers, you need to bury your coffins deep and wait for more favorable conditions before you can run the scary show again.

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Godzilla
5) Kaiju
The case for: They're big! They can level a city just by taking an after-dinner stroll! Bryan Cranston is going to be in a movie about one very, very soon! These Japanese-inspired giant monsters are also super-flexible, coming in reptilian, insectile and alien flavors (to name just a few) -- and there's not much scarier than a beast the size of a skyscraper wreaking havoc in your hometown.
The case against: There's not a lot of momentum on the kaiju side. There was Cloverfield a few years ago, and Pacific Rim last year and the aforementioned Godzilla, but that's about it. These things tend to build over time, and the lead-up just isn't there. Plus, a lot of people will just never be able to take kaiju seriously, thanks to memories of the rubber-suited silliness of the cheap, exported Japanese monster movies.
Verdict: There's an outside chance, if the Cranston Godzilla film is a huge mega hit. Even if that does happen, this is still the darkest of dark horses.

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Brocken Inaglory
Who's up for a swim?
4) Sharks
The case for: They're real, and they're terrifying. I know people who refused to go into swimming pools after seeing Jaws. Plus, those sharks are probably pissed off about all the shark fin soup business, and ready to take revenge.
The case against: Okay, I admit, this is my own personal hobby horse. I love sharksploitation films almost as much as I love zombies, and I would love to see a nation united in fearing the greatest predator of all. Apart from the odd Sharknado or global warming resulting in a Waterworld scenario, they're pretty easy to avoid.
Verdict: Sadly, no chance at all. But I can dream.

Continue for more candidates for top monster


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9 comments
muhutdafuga
muhutdafuga topcommenter

How about Fascists, or conservatives as they like to be called.  Every time they are in power, the economy collapses.  Think about it, a brain dead cult, sitting at computers lying and stealing.  When they do get out, there is always the risk of republican pedophilia.  

The only thing is the frightened little conservacult is afraid of everything, despite their lie about being rugged individuals.  The CULTservaTURDs are more comic than scary.

fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

Watch out for the liberals!  They are invading the USA in droves in hopes of fooling the world that they are benign and harmless.  What can be scarier than that?   

Sean Milano
Sean Milano

There's enough real life zombies, I don't need to watch that shit on TV.

Jeremy Coss
Jeremy Coss

I've been a zombie fan before everyone and their sister were thinking about zombie apocalypse plans. It'll be cool to have them to myself again.

Clayton Capra
Clayton Capra

You claim Zombies are old news and then go on to list 6 other things that preceded them. Try again.

Aaron LeForce
Aaron LeForce

i fuckin' hate zombies, they are incredibly lame. can't make it thru a single episode of walking dead, tried many times.

muhutdafuga
muhutdafuga topcommenter

@fishingblues See what I mean.  This guy is the very operational definition of the new funny little cult monster.

Those mean old Liberals have been here all along.  They are the majority, the good Americans.  The founding fathers were Liberal.

Don't be frightened, little one, you have nothing to fear but your own shadow.

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