Five Reasons Why the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Will Suck

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With its terrible writing, dump truck-sized plot holes, horrible Twilight fan-fic dialogue and a plethora of downright ridiculous misconceptions about BDSM and kinksters, Fifty Shades of Grey, the first book in E.L. James's trilogy, made me want to faceplant into my Kindle. It's four hours of my life that I will never get back.

I get that this is a work of fiction, but at the same time Fifty Shades has become an influential book, and will continue to be with the first movie coming out. Which is why it's important to point out its shortcomings. Here's a list of reasons why Fifty Shades of Grey sucks -- and the movie -- due out next year -- will too.

See also: Screw Fifty Shades; check out the kinky work of local authors Reggie and Kasi Alexander

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5. It wrongly portrays people who are into BDSM.

Fifty Shades of Grey does an incredibly poor job of portraying BDSM, and the people who are into kink, illustrating them as being mentally unstable, stalkerish, manipulative and as carrying major childhood trauma. Main character Christian Grey uses GPS to stalk main character Anastasia Steele after they've spoken all of twice, which is creepy as all fuck, Christian asks Ana to sign a slave contract on their first date which actual kinksters wouldn't do or advocate doing because she had no earthly clue WTF she was getting into and he was deliberately manipulating her -- and because consent is the cornerstone of safe, healthy BDSM relationships.

And yes, some people within the kink lifestyle are victims of childhood trauma, but I'd wager my shiny leather whip that the percentage of those folks isn't any higher than what you'd find in the vanilla lifestyle.

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4. It's rife with misogyny.

Ana's character hates other women (especially blondes for some reason) since she sees them as whores who are trying to steal her man; as a result, she has a lot of disturbing inner monologues about how she can't stand her supposed best female friend. The character spends a good chunk of time slut-shaming other women -- and even herself, and the internalized misogyny was so disgusting I had to walk away from the book a few times just to bleach my brain. The book also gives the overall impression of dominance and submission as equating to rich, powerful, fucked-up men can do, say and have whatever they want, while women are illustrated as weak, insecure, virginal, gullible doormats who have no voices and no understanding of their own wants and needs.

The author got it all wrong, and if she thinks this is how all women relate to each other, and how domination and submission works for kinksters, then she needs to do some actual research before she coughs up another sexist piece of trash.

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3. The relationship between Christian and Ana is more like abuse than BDSM.

The relationship between Christian and Ana that is depicted in Fifty Shades is not BDSM, it is abuse. Many of the book's situations involve Christian forcing Ana against her will, blatantly violating her consent, willfully ignoring her boundaries, not taking "no" for an answer, and knowingly putting her in dangerous and harmful situations for his own purposes. It's not difficult to recognize how dangerous and unhealthy their relationship would be in real life because Christian is not really a safe dominant. He doesn't practice open and honest communication with Ana (something kinksters put a premium on) and instead reinforces the severely fucked idea that if your partner plays at power games, then it's okay to be abused.

Fifty Shades has brought abuse to the mainstream, masquerading as BDSM to people who don't know any better; he upcoming film will likely do the same thing.

For more reasons why Fifty Shades sucks, read on



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62 comments
Nikki Gallegos
Nikki Gallegos

What happened to westword?! I used to enjoy the interesting and controversial articles they used to publish.

Nicole Lewis
Nicole Lewis

This series sucked. And then sucked me in. I wasted a summer reading them. All three, like a masochist. See what I did there?

Nikki Gabriel-Lo
Nikki Gabriel-Lo

Agreed with all 5. I've been witness to abusive relationships and 50 Shades is textbook. The book infuriated me for glamourizing such behavior. And I am not referring to the supposed "BDSM" part of it.

Kandis Bigham
Kandis Bigham

Can't make a good movie out of terrible books just sayin

Zack Judish
Zack Judish

Because you can't show porn in a regular theater.

Jeff Schmieder
Jeff Schmieder

Might be the rare example of a movie that is better than the book...yet still a horrible movie.

Amanda Mahlstedt
Amanda Mahlstedt

Abe Hamrah still watching it!!! And the person that wrote this is stupid! Cause the movie is going to make crazy $$$ and their article they wrote made nothing.. CRAIG

Mark Allen Holm
Mark Allen Holm

If you want me to click on links to your insipid, topical "articles" maybe you guys should consider putting them on a single page. I'm sick of waiting for three or more pages of mostly ads to load just to read stuff I barely care about.

Alex Wolff
Alex Wolff

1000 Reasons Why Westword Is the Worst

Eddie Baker
Eddie Baker

Doubtful on the "making bank" part...Lol.. But yes it will make a few coins..

Yvette Winfrey
Yvette Winfrey

So what do you do if you are forced to read the book and sex is not a priority? With the internet running wild I have decided to sit on the bench. Lol

David K Williams Jr.
David K Williams Jr.

Those "five reasons" were about the book. They had nothing to do with the movie. Perhaps the movie fixed all of those criticisms.

Michael Howard
Michael Howard

Five reasons why "naitives" will love this movie... I'm expecting an article header about this since this is your angle Westword.

Christy Young
Christy Young

Because the book sucked would be a huge reason. Because it's not actually pornographic would be another reason.

Ken Holsworth
Ken Holsworth

Read it in 4 hours and didn't like it? I don't know about that.

Sarah Lind
Sarah Lind

I wasted 90 minutes trying to choke down the 1st book, it's as if Ned Flanders wrote it trying to be "kinky...."

Jennifer Shumar
Jennifer Shumar

#1 because its based on the book fifty shades of grey?

Andrew Newman
Andrew Newman

It will probably also swallow, swallow, swallow. Wait, what?

Tay Fl
Tay Fl

Yes? Devin Johnson

Danny Yencich
Danny Yencich

1. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 2. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 3. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 4. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 5. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'

John Mccall
John Mccall

This movie is actually about the restaurant food in London. There's a copy in every hotel room in England.

Jay Kay
Jay Kay

Sets up totally unrealistic expectations of the women fans everywhere who read this bullshit of a novel series. And then those who do take it to heart wonder why they're in so many bad, abusive relationships. WAKE THE FUCK UP and realize this is total fantasy covered in nothing but sugar-coated BULLSHIT!

Aiesha Teague
Aiesha Teague

Not sure why so much focus is put on how and what "50 shades of grey" will do. Is it "escapism" or "defense mechanism" towards dealing with REAL problems of war, poverty, and ignorance in the society?

Roni Torres
Roni Torres

So it's going to be like every other movie

Jonah Menzies
Jonah Menzies

Five reasons why Jenn Wohletz's articles will always suck: 1. terrible narratives 2. dump truck load of bullshit 3. Twilight-esque 4. plethora of cringe-inducing metaphors that would appeal only to ill-educated suburban housewives and over-edumacated hipster-douchebags who "ironically" dig dumb downed gibberish 5. did I mention overall terrible narratives?

Jonah Menzies
Jonah Menzies

They don't even try to hide their plagiarism anymore, do they?

Mo Walsh
Mo Walsh

I used the book as kindling for my fire this winter. burns so much better than it reads...

mowalsh1989
mowalsh1989

worst misinterpretation of the bdsm community I have ever read. I cannot believe this became a movie.

Shelly Meyer
Shelly Meyer

Because the book sucked. Awful, horrid writing.

Steven Hulse
Steven Hulse

Let's see, on your knees, in the bed, on the couch, in the kitchen....shall I go on? Oh wait, you meant suck as in being horrible. in that case just repeat the above and just use them as locations you watched the movie.

Toby Shaw
Toby Shaw

Maybe won't hate it if you are into BDSM ... couldn't imagine a more hellish torture than to be forced to watch this crap

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