Five Reasons Why the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Will Suck

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With its terrible writing, dump truck-sized plot holes, horrible Twilight fan-fic dialogue and a plethora of downright ridiculous misconceptions about BDSM and kinksters, Fifty Shades of Grey, the first book in E.L. James's trilogy, made me want to faceplant into my Kindle. It's four hours of my life that I will never get back.

I get that this is a work of fiction, but at the same time Fifty Shades has become an influential book, and will continue to be with the first movie coming out. Which is why it's important to point out its shortcomings. Here's a list of reasons why Fifty Shades of Grey sucks -- and the movie -- due out next year -- will too.

See also: Screw Fifty Shades; check out the kinky work of local authors Reggie and Kasi Alexander

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5. It wrongly portrays people who are into BDSM.

Fifty Shades of Grey does an incredibly poor job of portraying BDSM, and the people who are into kink, illustrating them as being mentally unstable, stalkerish, manipulative and as carrying major childhood trauma. Main character Christian Grey uses GPS to stalk main character Anastasia Steele after they've spoken all of twice, which is creepy as all fuck, Christian asks Ana to sign a slave contract on their first date which actual kinksters wouldn't do or advocate doing because she had no earthly clue WTF she was getting into and he was deliberately manipulating her -- and because consent is the cornerstone of safe, healthy BDSM relationships.

And yes, some people within the kink lifestyle are victims of childhood trauma, but I'd wager my shiny leather whip that the percentage of those folks isn't any higher than what you'd find in the vanilla lifestyle.

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4. It's rife with misogyny.

Ana's character hates other women (especially blondes for some reason) since she sees them as whores who are trying to steal her man; as a result, she has a lot of disturbing inner monologues about how she can't stand her supposed best female friend. The character spends a good chunk of time slut-shaming other women -- and even herself, and the internalized misogyny was so disgusting I had to walk away from the book a few times just to bleach my brain. The book also gives the overall impression of dominance and submission as equating to rich, powerful, fucked-up men can do, say and have whatever they want, while women are illustrated as weak, insecure, virginal, gullible doormats who have no voices and no understanding of their own wants and needs.

The author got it all wrong, and if she thinks this is how all women relate to each other, and how domination and submission works for kinksters, then she needs to do some actual research before she coughs up another sexist piece of trash.

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3. The relationship between Christian and Ana is more like abuse than BDSM.

The relationship between Christian and Ana that is depicted in Fifty Shades is not BDSM, it is abuse. Many of the book's situations involve Christian forcing Ana against her will, blatantly violating her consent, willfully ignoring her boundaries, not taking "no" for an answer, and knowingly putting her in dangerous and harmful situations for his own purposes. It's not difficult to recognize how dangerous and unhealthy their relationship would be in real life because Christian is not really a safe dominant. He doesn't practice open and honest communication with Ana (something kinksters put a premium on) and instead reinforces the severely fucked idea that if your partner plays at power games, then it's okay to be abused.

Fifty Shades has brought abuse to the mainstream, masquerading as BDSM to people who don't know any better; he upcoming film will likely do the same thing.

For more reasons why Fifty Shades sucks, read on


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33 comments
Tay Fl
Tay Fl

Yes? Devin Johnson

Danny Yencich
Danny Yencich

1. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 2. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 3. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 4. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' 5. It's an adaptation of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'

John Mccall
John Mccall

This movie is actually about the restaurant food in London. There's a copy in every hotel room in England.

Jay Kay
Jay Kay

Sets up totally unrealistic expectations of the women fans everywhere who read this bullshit of a novel series. And then those who do take it to heart wonder why they're in so many bad, abusive relationships. WAKE THE FUCK UP and realize this is total fantasy covered in nothing but sugar-coated BULLSHIT!

Aiesha Teague
Aiesha Teague

Not sure why so much focus is put on how and what "50 shades of grey" will do. Is it "escapism" or "defense mechanism" towards dealing with REAL problems of war, poverty, and ignorance in the society?

Roni Torres
Roni Torres

So it's going to be like every other movie

Jonah Menzies
Jonah Menzies

Five reasons why Jenn Wohletz's articles will always suck: 1. terrible narratives 2. dump truck load of bullshit 3. Twilight-esque 4. plethora of cringe-inducing metaphors that would appeal only to ill-educated suburban housewives and over-edumacated hipster-douchebags who "ironically" dig dumb downed gibberish 5. did I mention overall terrible narratives?

Jonah Menzies
Jonah Menzies

They don't even try to hide their plagiarism anymore, do they?

Mo Walsh
Mo Walsh

I used the book as kindling for my fire this winter. burns so much better than it reads...

mowalsh1989
mowalsh1989

worst misinterpretation of the bdsm community I have ever read. I cannot believe this became a movie.

Shelly Meyer
Shelly Meyer

Because the book sucked. Awful, horrid writing.

Steven Hulse
Steven Hulse

Let's see, on your knees, in the bed, on the couch, in the kitchen....shall I go on? Oh wait, you meant suck as in being horrible. in that case just repeat the above and just use them as locations you watched the movie.

Toby Shaw
Toby Shaw

Maybe won't hate it if you are into BDSM ... couldn't imagine a more hellish torture than to be forced to watch this crap

Jennifer Wohletz
Jennifer Wohletz

I agree! I think whoever wrote this article should be dragged out into the street and kicked in the face a bunch of times!!!!

Irina Anastacia
Irina Anastacia

umm is this Westward version of the southpark episode bass of mouth? I'm embarrased to even pick this paper up on Thurs. Not enough high school graduates wanting the job? Articles are pathetic.

John Wolfe
John Wolfe

If the movie even faintly resembles the book, it'll be a terrible waste of time

Matt Channing
Matt Channing

...ummmm....because it's based on Fifty Shades of Grey?

Mike McClure
Mike McClure

after reading the book and then reading this article, I have to say that it feels like both pieces were written by the same person. At the least both works come across as overly heavy handed and rather amateurish. Honestly, this article was pretty much an overly long rant about how FSOG is ruining young women. Except that I've been out in the real world since the book was released and I don't see the damaged shells of soulless girls she would have us believe have been created by the book. The best thing about this article is that it wasn't about pot or juggalos.

Rebecca Sanchez
Rebecca Sanchez

Also, fsog is terrible because it was written as Twilight fan fiction. So, yeah...

Karen Christie
Karen Christie

Nothing is hotter than being dominated by a broken man. Stupid books. For the movie to have a shot, Christian Grey will have to be revealed as Batman.

Marcelino Casias
Marcelino Casias

The books were absolutely terrible. I tried to read them but the writing was so juvenile that I couldn't finish it. It was like a 6th grade girl wrote those books.

Rebecca Sanchez
Rebecca Sanchez

It's because the "bondage/bdsm" in fsog is terrible. Christian Grey is an asshole that doesn't follow any sort of safe, sane and consensual rules. If Christian Grey were a dom in the "real world" people would be saying "stay the fuck away from that guy."

Ashley Roop Legler
Ashley Roop Legler

Let's not forget the #1 reason it will suck: the books were GODAWFUL.

Mike Carr
Mike Carr

Because you've seen it and all.... Right?

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