His royal highness, Prince.

His Royal Highness Prince Harry spent the day on Sunday enjoying the Colorado scenery -- and hopefully some of our best weed -- while the Prince of Purple played two of his four shows at the Ogden with his new band 3rd Eye Girl (he plays two more tonight). And while the two princes probably won't meet up to party together like it was 1999 -- or, in Harry's case, like it was 1899, since he is supposed to be on his best behavior after his recent, well-memed ass-capades in Las Vegas. Of these two princes visiting our fair state of Colorado, which one deserves a crown more? Here's our comparison.

See also:
- Five things Prince Harry should do in Denver
- Prince is a shining example of creative blackness
- Prince Harry memes offer naked truth about royal's upcoming Colorado visit?

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Seems legit...

Maria Sharapova, the number two-ranked World Tennis Association player and former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, just launched a line of boutique candies -- including little lemon-lime tennis balls. This seems a little weird, considering Sharapova's athleticism and the nation's current examination of sugary sweets -- but then, this country has a long and proud history of celebrity-pushed products that range from somewhat useful to completely inane.

Here's our list of the five dumbest celebrity products ever pushed on the public. Paul Newman gets a free pass, because those salad dressings really are delicious.

See also:
- Lindsay Lohan, 90 Days in Jail: Five alternative sentencing ideas
- Lindsay Lohan's ad and other attention-grabbing antics from celebs under house arrest
- Lady Gaga congratulates Colorado and other reactions to 64 on Twitter

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Hasbro's Easy-Bake Ovens are getting a masculine makeover fifty years after the toy was introduced, thanks to a market-savvy thirteen-year-old girl in New Jersey who wanted to buy her little brother one as a gift -- and found only purple and pink ovens. Her campaign got a media-smooch after a handful of celeb chefs, including Bobby Flay, spoke up in favor of a more male-friendly model.

There are two significant lessons we can learn from the Easy-Bake situation: First, it's proof that Bobby Flay is capable of being useful/relevant even though it's not 2008 any more, and second, that it's time to update other traditionally girl-centric toys to reflect American society's changing views on stereotypical gender roles.

Here's our list of five little girl toys that need a gender makeover. It's shake & bake, and I helped!

See also:
-Strange Fruit: Peaches thinks stereotypes are the pits.
-Dolls in thigh-highs and ponies with purses: MSNBC says toys are getting too sexy. And?
-Tomboy sensitively explores a freedom from gender codes

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A recent stroll through the popular teen retail store Hot Topic got me all geared up for Halloween. Seeing the skeleton jewelry, the fake blood-splattered wedding veils and tiaras and the slashed-up fake body parts gave me a warm feeling in my heart. Then I scoped the female costumes and saw some real gems in this year's collection: slutty animals, slutty maids, schoolgirls and superheroes, slutty Hello Kitty, slutty zombies and brides.

Now, I'm the last person in the world to eschew slutty costumes -- although I'd like to see more slutty male costumes -- but Hot Topic is a teen retail store, and encouraging teenage girls to dress like Hallow-teen hookers doesn't seem to be the best idea on this blue orb for a host of obvious reasons. Here's a list of the five sluttiest Halloween costumes for teenage girls -- all from one store.

See also:
- Twenty best family-friendly Halloween events
- Twenty best Halloween costumes at Down & Derby
- Photos: The undead undress at Zombielesque
- Hell-ooo, nurse: Your Halloween guide to slutty occupations

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J. Wohletz

The now-empty Lollypop Gift store.

All good things must come to an end -- but Lollypop Gift, the Hello Kitty store in the Denver Pavilions, seems to have come to a very abrupt end. And the reported reason for the store's closing is something many vendors can relate to: rotten mall parents using stores as daycare centers.

<strong>See also:
-Hello Kitty comes to the 16th Street Mall at Lollipop Gift (photos)
-Reader: Here, kitty kitty -- Hello Kitty comes to the 16th Street Mall
-Denver Cops Need More Hello Kitty

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Oh, goody! More Fifty Shades stuff!

Ever since E.L. James' first rectal-extraction, the book Fifty Shades of Grey, hit the market like a drunken Rip Torn ramming his car into a tractor-trailer, the merchandise spin-off has been explosive -- or catastrophic, depending on your point of view. Stockings, garters, underwear, pajamas, robes, kitchen and bath décor: all offshoots of the book's mild BDSM themes.

And now a collection of fifteen classical music pieces that the author swears she was "inspired by" while she wrote the Fifty Shades trilogy will hit stores tomorrow, September 11.

See also:
- I was a human dessert tray and it was BDSM-delicious
- Fifty Shades of Grey means business for Fascinations chain
- Kink of the Jungle: A Field Guide to Denver's wild side

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J. Wohletz

Do you know why Hello Kitty has no mouth? Because she speaks from the heart...

She also has a hypnotic, straight-up obsessive effect on American consumers that hasn't seemed to flag since her debut in the States in 1976. This ubiquitous, mouthless Sanrio-creation has become a veritable fetish for women, girls -- and more than a few men. For example, Troy Moore and Kenneth Chan really, really love Hello Kitty, and they've taken their happy, pink bow-adorned fee-fees and parlayed them into Lollipop Gift, a modestly-sized, exclusive Hello Kitty store located in the first floor of the Denver Pavilions, next door to Claire's.

"Even one-year-old toddlers recognize Hello Kitty," says Moore.

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That is one massive pile of drugs, man. Oh, wait...

Most commercials you'll be subjected to on any given day will probably bore you, or maybe make you chuckle a smidge. Very few make the effort, or have the ability, to grab you the way this new spot from Audi does. More fine art than advert, this is a commercial you'd be glad to be forced to watch.

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Daddy sent my hug goodnight to my Blackberry

Advertising is like a cultural mirror, which shapes the way we think of ourselves and others. But are our commercials reflections of us or are we reflections of our commercials? This question of advertising's power to shape our culture comes to mind when watching this new spot for Google Chrome, wherein a child's entire collection of socially "meaningful" experiences are captured and saved online with corresponding letters to be shared with the child at a later date. We can't help but wonder what unknown emotional trauma this will inevitably induce.

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This ain't your baroness's Dodge Charger

What do violin music, blacksmiths, preserving a family name and claims of undying love all have in common? They're all things of the past; all things culture has decided we can happily live without. But the Dodge Charger is a thing outside of time; a constant beacon of badass in a world that all too often loses touch with its roots. The Charger is our rock as we drift aimlessly into an unknown future.

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