Santa's like, "Haaaay, girl."

​The number-one rule when scouting a Santa for the Santa Ratings is that he has to be alive. I mean, there are probably like a million statues of Santa in this great square state, so those are generally disqualified in favor of a breathing (and preferably naturally bearded) Santa. However, after a recent whirlwind, off-peak-because-it-was-hella-cheap trip to Glenwood Springs, I had to break the rule. More important, I had to document not one, but two life-sized Santa statues, along with more dead wildlife. (This time around, the deceased and stuffed animals weren't posed in "natural" habitats; rather, they were mounted, donning red and white hats and felt reindeer antlers. So cute!)

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Santa surveillance

​If you're one of those bleeding-heart liberal types who thinks no human on the planet needs to own a gun, Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World is probably not the place for you. I ventured into this dead-animal party in search of Santa for the first installment of this year's Santa Ratings, and was unexpectedly greeted by a two-story indoor mountain (complete with an elevator in the middle) dotted with stuffed and growling wolves and bears, dead Bighorn sheep and, at the bottom, a live pool of fish. It was also "feeding time," meaning other live fish were being thrown into the writhing mass by a guy giving a play-by-play on a headset mike to a crowd of adults and kids in strollers. And I hadn't even gotten to Santa yet.

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Bree Davies

​Clued in by an elf at St. Nick's -- you know, that behemoth holiday nightmare superstore off of Santa Fe Drive where you can buy Broncos Christmas ornaments -- my mission took me to PetsMart for a photo with Santa. First, I had to go home to round up my chihuahua, Pee Wee Herman (and his argyle sweater) for this photo opportunity.

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Bree Davies

​The Aspen Grove Santa is a wandering one. Luckily, he's trailed by gaggle of carolers -- dressed like real-life, Disney-like Dickens characters, no less -- so he's easy to track down along the sidewalks of the outdoor shopping and "LifeStyle Center." I found him taking a break on a bench outside Pottery Barn this past weekend, and Aspen Grove Santa was more than happy to let me take his picture.

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Bree Davies

​This is not what we had planned. By all accounts, the Santa representative at the Aurora Mall -- ahem, the "Town Center at Aurora" --positioned in front of Macy's in a red suit and plopped down in a mildly sad, purple button-back chair was our guy. But after an elf explained that we had to go through "corporate" (we think she meant the North Pole) first, the kibosh was effectively put on any photo opportunity.

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Bree Davies

​How Santa can be in so many places at once is something we will never know, but one thing is for sure: Right around Thanksgiving (and all the way until Christmas), you can find him anywhere people are buying stuff. We decided to stake out each incarnation of Santa in and around the Mile High City and see how he compares, beard and all -- to himself.

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