The Devil Inside Me

​With the release of The Devil Inside, out Friday, the cinema gods are taking a moment to remind all of us that religion is scary -- It's all higher powers and judgments and abductions by beings of light and women turning into salt and beings of pure good offset by beings of pure evil, and all of that has one thing in common: scary.

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Number 5

​Depending on who you're listening to, the world is going to end in 2012, or the world will undergo some sort of transformation. Either way it's spiritual. What's not spiritual, however, are these cold, hard numbers: The top ten posts on Show and Tell during 2011, which may or may not be the last full year the human race will sweat, cut each other off in traffic and debate the nationality of its leaders. In that spirit, here are the final numbers, the top ten posts of 2011. Read on for David Sedaris' Denver appearance, 50 reasons why Colorado is the best state in America and why it's always been on like Donkey Kong.

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​It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Okay, It actually wasn't either of those things -- but 2011 was pretty okay in its own right, and at certain times it was downright awesome. Because we're in the business of thoroughly cataloging things, we've cataloged the definitive best moments in the Denver arts scene this year, from the winter of mild discomfort to the spring of benign optimism to the summer of it being just a little too hot for our taste and back again. Here they are, in chronological order.

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If only I was the Criss Angel of retail.

When I'm not interviewing drag queens, reviewing concerts and rating Santas for Westword, I'm working at Shirt Folding Store. For twenty hours a week, I fold shirts (and, more important, jeans) alongside other part-timers, who in their other jobs might be bank tellers, professional eBay auctioneers, art-history majors and spoken-word artists.

I have held my position at Shirt Folding Store off and on since 2006, and to a surprisingly great degree, have very much enjoyed telling customers how cute she (or he, if/when a man is forced into Shirt Folding Store by his wife/mother/girlfriend to try on clothes) looks in the jeans I have so painstakingly helped them pick out. For a non-commissioned salesperson, I go to great lengths to make sure my customers leave Shirt Folding Store in love (or at least in like) with a perfect pair of jeans. I love my job.

This is why I get so pissed off when I encounter an asshole.

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​We survived another wedding season, folks. With August officially upon us, the chances of being invited to any more summer ceremonies is nearly over. Looking back on many blissful marital moments, however, we've learned a lot about what to do and, better yet, what not to do at weddings -- and what we may want to do at ours one day.

So now, by the power vested in me, we present to you ten ways to make your wedding just as trashy as the ones we've been to this summer.

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​You think you have a dirty mouth? Surely it doesn't compare to Chelsea Handler's, who told the audience all about her early days giving blow jobs as a high-school freshman last night at the Wells Fargo Theatre.Without further ado, Westword is proud to present the top ten penis jokes that Chelsea and Josh Wolf, one of her opening comedians and staff member on Chelsea Lately, made last night.

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​Yogi Berra: the man, the baseball legend and the quote machine. Over the course of his life, Berra -- born Lawrence Peter Berra on this very day in 1925 -- has come up with countless expressions and sayings, golden nuggets in the English vernacular that are still quoted today in movies and even in Facebook status updates (because we all have that one friend who always posts quotes). Some of these "yogi-isms" showcase just how smart the guy really is; others prove that he may have missed his calling in life as a philosopher. So, to celebrate Berra's birthday today, here are the ten best "yogi-isms" guaranteed to brighten your rainy day.

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​You've counted down the days. May 1, May 2, May 3... Now it's here. Cinco de Mayo -- the biggest one-day holiday that spans dos días of food, drinks and fun in downtown Denver. On the big day on Saturday, the Cinco de Mayo Parade returns for its 19th annual walk-through -- after a two-year hiatus that began in 2008 when a major media sponsor pulled its funding and volunteer force.

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Is there anyone there?

​In a way, there's nothing sadder than obsolescence, a thing no longer useful left to fall into misuse and disrepair -- and there's maybe no better example of that than the pay phone. That's why, for the past couple of weeks, we've been highlighting one Sad Payphone of the Week, and also why today we're bringing you a nostalgic look back on the payphone's heyday.

This list is based on famous movie moments involving a pay phones that stand out above all the other "ordinary" pay phone scenes.

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​Yesterday, an 8-inch toy robot stuck to a pillar near Coors Field triggered hours of havoc downtown, culminating in the Denver bomb squad detonating the innocuous figurine in a hullabaloo of wondrous proportions. Wondrous, but also completely unnecessary. Clearly the little bugger wasn't out to get anybody, and even if he was, what was he going to do? Mechanically bite off our kneecaps?

Now, there are robots that would have warranted such turmoil -- and more. Here are the top 10 androids and robots that, if they popped up downtown, would warrant a massive military response:

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